


Lost It To Trying

by Tangela



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Academy Era, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Background Relationships, Eventual Smut, Fluff, M/M, Slow Build, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-15
Updated: 2018-07-06
Packaged: 2018-08-08 22:52:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 20,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7776796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tangela/pseuds/Tangela
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Leonard McCoy had really had enough of change, and then Jim Kirk walked into his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is going to be a pretty long fic if I can help it, and it will be marked explicit for later chapters. I'm posting the first chapter on its own to motivate myself to work everything out and write the rest, since it's Summer and I really want to write as much as I can, and I haven't challenged myself with a long fic in years. (The title is from Lost It To Trying by Son Lux.)  
> I'm my own proofreader, so I'll do my best with spelling. Thank you for reading!

‘ _206…207…208.’_

Leonard squinted down at the scrawl on the back of his hand. Room 208, this was it. He carefully put the unsteady stack of boxes in his arms on the floor and deciphered the next scrawl of numbers on his hand - the door's key code. He punched it in, lifting his boxes as the door slid open.

The room wasn’t much, empty save for two beds and accompanying dressers, a table and chair, and a few shelves over each bed. He set his things on one of the beds, shoulders grateful to be rid of the heavy rucksack on his back, and sat down, eyes scanning the blank white walls. No photos, no crayon scribbles on the walls, no nothing.

Leonard shook his head, forced himself up and began opening boxes.

“One thing at a time, this is gonna be hard enough,” he muttered to himself in an almost reassuring tone. He took a few things out of a box marked ‘FRAGILE’ and carefully placed them along one of the shelves – a few slightly battered first editions, a photo album and a frame holding a photo of a young girl with a bright smile proudly displaying her missing baby teeth, in the arms of a much happier version of the man now holding the frame in his hands. The photo had been torn, a slim shoulder and long blond hair all that could be made out. Leonard shook his head again, as if under the impression if he did it enough, the thoughts bothering him and keeping him up at night would just fall out of his ears.

He was brought abruptly out of his reverie by a muffled crash and the door sliding open.

 “Uh, Leonard? Leonard McCoy?”

Leonard turned around to find a man stooped in the doorway, trying to cram things into a box. He managed to stuff the box under his arm and stood up, so Leonard could take him in – about his height, with broad shoulders, messy blond hair and bright blue eyes. He had a rucksack bursting at the seams tossed over his shoulder in one hand and a scrap of paper in the other.

“Who’s askin’?” Leonard asked, not unkindly, but with a tone that clearly said “I’m busy, make it quick.”

“I’m Jim, Jim Kirk. I’m your new roommate.” Jim awkwardly stuffed the paper into the pocket of his jeans, careful not to upset the box again, and held out his hand with a broad smile. Leonard nodded, shaking his hand briefly before turning back to sort through his own things.

Jim strode across the room to the free bed and unceremoniously dumped the contents of his bag out onto the mattress. Leonard could hear things falling onto the floor and Jim mumbling to himself. Nothing about him was quiet, and Leonard was already beginning to dislike him. Jim was completely oblivious, still mumbling and throwing things that he didn’t need on the floor and things that he _did_ need up onto the shelves. By this point, Leonard was between his own packing and trying to decipher what seventh circle of hell system Jim had for organising his things. When he seemed satisfied with his progress, he made for the door, throwing on a jacket. Leonard spotted him out of the corner of his eye.

“Uh…Jim?”

“Mm-hm?”

“That’s uh, are you- are you completely finished with your packin'?” Leonard asked, trying to be subtle, but Christ, Jim had been here no more than twenty minutes and it already looked as if a tornado had torn through his side of the room. Jim looked at him blankly.

“I think so, yeah. Hey, I’m gonna go out for a while. I’ll see you later.”

Leonard felt his jaw click as the door slid closed. Oh, he was _really_ beginning to dislike Jim.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all of the views and kudos so far! They're really motivating me. This chapter is a little longer, and I'm working hard to continue writing, hopefully each new chapter will be as frequent as this one. Thank you for reading!

The first week of living with Jim Kirk as his roommate, Leonard really could have done without, and he felt that was putting it far too nicely.

“Oh, I’m sure he’s not that bad, Len,” Christine scoffed as she took another drink. The two of them were holed up in a corner of a bar a short walk from campus. Since joining the Academy, they’d both been rushed off their feet with classes, and she’d insisted they meet up at the end of the week to catch up. They’d worked together for a while during their med school days, until he’d met Jocelyn and she’d moved away for a job in the city, and time escaped both of them. She was always only a phone call away, even when they hadn’t seen each other for years, which Leonard appreciated, he couldn’t say he’d met many people like that through the years. When Leonard had called her, voice hoarse and head numb -  _she left, God, she took Jo and left her for her mother’s -_ she was at the door within the hour – no pity parade or Hallmark card sympathy – just a shoulder to cry on and a bottle of whiskey, the good stuff. Leonard could never repay her kindness.

“You don’t know the half of it, Chris. He’s loud, his music’s louder, he’s come back drunk three times, _three,_ \- we’ve been here a week - and each time he’s forgotten the key code and I’ve had to drag his sorry ass in, and chase away whatever pretty little thing that’s come with him.”

Christine couldn’t keep the smile from her lips, tucking a loose strand of blonde hair behind her ear.

“What?” Leonard asked, grimacing as what this place was trying to pass off as bourbon slid down his throat, “What’s that smile for?”

“You haven’t been this energetic in a long while,” Christine answered wistfully, “It’s nice to see.”

Leonard said nothing, but his scowl eased a little.

“You never know, this Jim might be the best thing that ever happened to you,” she mused, and held her glass out.

The scowl immediately deepened again. “In a pig’s eye,” he muttered, but he lifted his glass nonetheless and clinked it against hers. Christine couldn’t help but laugh.

\-----

When they left the bar a few hours later, Leonard was a little worse for wear than Christine – “I’ve got a date tonight, Len, I can’t show up drunk, that would be in bad taste,” she’d laughed as she’d kissed his cheek and hailed a shuttle cab – and he made his way back to his dorm. He was merry enough, or at least sated enough, to put up with any and all of Jim’s shenanigans right now. So when the door slid open to reveal Jim sitting at their shared desk with a PADD in front of him, he was almost disappointed.

Jim’s head turned a little too quickly, or maybe Leonard’s reaction times were just slow. “O-Oh, hi,” he said, a little nervously. _Was that a stammer?_ “I didn’t think you’d be back so early.”

Leonard looked at the clock on his dresser. He couldn’t argue, it _was_ only 9:30pm.

“Did you have a good night?” Jim continued, voice still strained.

Leonard sat down heavily on his bed. This was probably the most normal experience with Jim Kirk he’d had so far, and it was strange. “Yeah, was alright. Better than yours from the looks of it. You studyin’?”

Jim nodded. “Yeah, it’s been pretty bor- ah-“

Jim trailed off with a small yelp, then a soft bang on the table and a giggle. Leonard rolled his eyes. _So much for that._

“-pretty boring, yeah,” he continued, and despite how he felt about his new roommate, Leonard really had to admire his determination.

“Christ, Jim, what’s  _really_ goin' on?” he asked in an almost defeated tone, as if he expected nothing more. By this point, he didn’t.

Jim blinked, trying to look innocent. Leonard suspected it had been a long time since that look had held any truth to it. “Nothing, just studying,” he answered automatically.

Leonard snorted. “Right, well, I’m gonna go to the bathroom, and hopefully your “studyin’” will be done by the time I get back.”

The bathroom door slid shut behind him, and he could hear frantic whispering and giggling and the dorm door sliding open and closed. Leonard washed his face and looked at himself in the mirror with a sigh. He was really getting too old for this.

When he returned, Jim was lying in bed. He shot Leonard a bright smile.

“Thought I’d finish up in bed,” he explained, gesturing to his PADD, “My back was getting sore sitting there.”

 _I’ll bet it was,_ Leonard thought to himself, his gaze landing on something very pink and very frilly lying next to the table. He shook his head, certain he wouldn’t want to hear the story, as he undressed and collapsed into bed, suddenly very tired.

_You never know, this Jim might be the best thing that ever happened to you._

“In a pig’s eye,” he muttered as his eyes drifted closed.

“What?” Jim asked, but Leonard was already asleep.


	3. Chapter 3

“Jim, this would be over much faster if you’d stay still.”

Jim frowned, lying on his bed, trying to focus on the radio and not the pain in his hand.

_“-fleet ambassador is still missing, officials are saying that this is the work of a renegade group, but have no further informa-“_

“Ow!”

“I told you to stay still,” Leonard reprimanded, leaning over Jim’s injured hand with a needle and thread. Two weeks had passed and Jim still wasn't proving himself any easier to live with. “Were you fightin’?”

Jim shook his head. His face had gone very pale, and Leonard knew that look from experience – if Jim opened his mouth, he was going to be sick.

“Knuckles don’t end up like this for nothin’, Jim, no use lyin’ to me. I’ve worked too many weekend shifts in an A&E department, I’m not stupid. Now what happened?”

Jim swallowed a few times, and managed to get his voice back. “Just something stupid. Ow!”

Leonard snorted. “Wouldn’t be like you. Would you quit squirmin’? You’d think I was sawin’ through your bones.”

Jim tried to settle himself, but it didn’t matter how much alcohol was in his system, it still ached.

“That’s what they used to call doctors,” he mused quietly, “Sawbones.”

Leonard laughed quietly as he bandaged Jim’s hand up, he was quickly starting to realise that Jim was full of little surprises. Not always pleasant ones, but surprises all the same.

“There, now go easy on that. It may not be what you’re used to after a bar brawl, but given that it’s one in the mornin’, you should be grateful I had anythin’ useful on me at all.”

Jim moved his fingers back and forth slowly with a grimace. “Thanks, Bones.”

Leonard shook his head as he got up, switching the radio off. “Don’t you dare think that’s gonna stick. Now get some rest.”

\-----

During the day, Leonard didn’t see much of Jim, save for a few classes that were mandatory for all cadets regardless of which track they were on. One of these classes was Early Starfleet History, and if Leonard thought Jim was a pain as a roommate, he’d yet to see what he was like in a classroom setting. They were sitting rows apart, but Jim may as well have been seated right in Leonard’s lap with a goddamn spotlight on him, he was drawing so much attention to himself and Leonard just couldn’t keep his eyes off him. Each lesson quickly went from being a quiet note-taking session to a back and forth table tennis match of an argument between Jim and the professor. Leonard really hoped no one clicked that these two shared a room - things were bad enough as it was.

“Sir, I think you’ll find that Cochrane’s test flight plan for the _Phoenix_ was on April 4 th, 2063.”

“That’s what I said, Mr. Kirk. Now-“

“Okay, except that you said April 5th, which is a very common mistake. The _official_ flight was on April 5th-“

The professor sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose for what had to have been the twelfth time in the space of an hour. “Remind me, Mr. Kirk, who is teaching this class?”

“You, sir.”

“And I intend to keep it that way. Now, as I was say-“

“I just didn’t want you feeding the class false information, sir.”

The silence in the room was deafening. Leonard slid down in his chair with his textbook over his face, hoping to God Jim would just _shut up_ and let the poor man teach the damn class.

“James Kirk, I want you out of my classroom,” the professor ordered, pointing to the door, “No arguments, take your things and leave. Thank you.”

Jim looked as though he was about to raise hell as he packed up his things. Out of curiosity, Leonard skimmed the pages of the book he was currently trying to disappear behind.

_‘Hang on a minute.’_

“Uh, professor?”

“Yes, Mr. McCoy?”

“Not to be rude, sir, but uh, _Mr. Kirk_ -“ -Leonard had to bite back a laugh- “-is right.”

Jim’s face lit up like a Christmas tree, although Leonard was certain a tree had never looked that damn smug.

“If you look-“ Leonard continued, and the professor’s face blanched as he quickly scanned his own book.

“Yes, yes, Mr. McCoy, thank you,” he interrupted hurriedly, “Perhaps Mr. Kirk can stay, provided he keeps his attitude in check. Now-“

The professor turned his attention to the projection board behind him, and Jim turned around to find Leonard, flashing him the biggest grin. Leonard pretended not to see him, but the smallest smile crept onto his face.

_‘Well, I’ll be damned, there is a little more to him than his looks.’_

_\-----_

Leonard barely had his books closed when Jim was looming over him, that shit-eating grin still on his face.

“What’s up, Jim?” he asked with a sigh, as he packed up his things and left, Jim like an eager puppy behind him.

Jim punched his arm. “Bones, that was amazing! Do you know how many times I’ve been thrown out of his classes?”

“The fact that that poor man has to take you for multiple classes and hasn’t killed you is beyond me. I’d have done it a long time ago.” A month had passed since they’d started sharing a room. “And would you quit callin’ me that?”

“I’m flattered,” Jim laughed, ignoring his second remark, “But seriously, thank you. That guy is always on my case.”

“Well, to be fair, you’re always on his,” Leonard shot back, frowning as Jim was momentarily distracted by an attractive male cadet, “What’s your problem with him? _Jim._ ”

Jim turned his attention back to Leonard. “He has no idea what he’s talking about, he just recites it from a textbook, and even then he can’t get it right. If I’m here to learn, I want to learn it the way it actually happened.”

He hated to admit it, but Leonard couldn’t argue with him there.

“Besides, I love this stuff. Well, I would if it was being taught properly.”

Leonard frowned. _‘Who are you and what have you done with my roommate?’_

“You do?”

“Are you kidding me? Earth History, early Starfleet, it’s fascinating. I pretty much devoured every book I could find when I was- when I was at home.”

Leonard noticed the stutter but didn’t question it, rounding the corner to the cafeteria. He was finding it hard to believe that Jim Kirk had this much depth. Or any depth at all, he scoffed to himself.

“Hey, we should go for a drink later,” Jim suggested as they joined the queue for one of the food replicators.

“And why would I do that?” Leonard shot back, and Jim laughed.

“People are gonna think you don’t like me. C’mon, one drink. To say thank you.”

Leonard fidgeted with the strap of his shoulder bag before finally nodding. “Alright, one drink, since it’s rude to turn someone down when they’re payin’.”

There was that shit-eating grin again. “It’s a date.”

Leonard just sighed.

\---

Of course Jim had to pick the Academy campus bar – too loud, too small and full of kids barely out of their teenage years. As if Leonard didn’t feel old enough. He managed to find a seat somewhat out of the way of the shouting masses of cadets while Jim ordered drinks.

Jim managed to squeeze through the crowd and found Leonard half-hidden in a corner. He slid into the seat next to Leonard, passing him his drink. Bourbon, neat. Leonard couldn’t fault his taste at least.

“How’d you guess?” he asked, cocking an eyebrow.

“You just look the type,” Jim answered with a smile, taking almost all of his own drink in one shot. Leonard didn’t say anything, taking a more sensible sip of his own. Slightly better, he thought to himself.

 “Hey, Kirk!” And Jim looked up just in time to see the drink coming just before it hit him in the face. Leonard was on his feet immediately, on the defensive, and Jim grabbed his arm, pulling him back down.

“Do us a favour and go back home, farm-boy,” a burly cadet shouted his friends laughing behind him, “You think you can just waltz in here waving Daddy’s name around and expect everyone to just take you in?”

Jim calmly wiped his face on his sleeve and took another drink, eyes trained on the bar ahead.

“I knew it. Nothin’ but a chicken shit,” Burly spat and shook his head disgustedly, turning to leave.

Leonard looked back and forth between the dissipating group and Jim in confusion, as were most of the bar by this point. Jim continued to drink with a calm expression, out of place considering what had just happened.

“I get that a lot,” Jim explained with a little smile, although there wasn't a trace of humour behind it, “People seem to think I’m trying to get a free ride into the Academy with my dad’s name.”

And suddenly it clicked. Leonard could have kicked himself for not realising sooner. This is George Kirk’s son. George Kirk who sacrificed himself to save over four hundred people on the _USS Kelvin_. The man was a legend in Starfleet, everyone knew about him. And Leonard was sitting with his son.

_‘How often do you come across with the name ‘Kirk’? God, you’re an idiot.’_

“I don’t blame them for thinking that. It sure looks like that’s what I’m doing. A lot of these guys worked their asses off to get here, and everyone knows where Pike found me the night I was recruited – bleeding out of my nose blind drunk on a bar floor. Of course they’re gonna be bitter.”

Jim huffed an awkward laugh and looked down, swirling the last dregs of his drink around the glass. Leonard looked at him, and it hit him – it’s an act, and a damn good one at that. Jim wasn’t the brash, over-confident playboy that he made himself out to be – at least, not really. He was a scared kid, desperate for bigger and better things, trying to outrun the giant shadow cast over him by his father. Leonard knew better than anyone what that feeling was like – running so fast and hoping to God that those demons don’t catch up with you, but they do, they always do, lingering in the corners of your mind like a bad hangover.

He pat Jim’s shoulder, and Jim looked up, forcing a bright smile on his face. “Don’t you start feeling sorry for me, Bones,” he laughed, but there was a pleading sincerity behind it.

“I ain’t feelin’ sorry for you, Jim,” Leonard said in a reassuring tone, squeezing his shoulder slightly before letting go, “It’s just good to know there’s a livin’, feelin’ person in there.”

Jim laughed. “And just what is that supposed to mean?”

“Well, you haven’t painted the best picture of yourself since we’ve been roommates, you’re messy, you bring people back-“

“Hey, that was one time and you walked in on that one-“

“Twice, Jim, how much sleep d’you think I was gettin’ with that god-awful screamer you brought back?”

Jim felt his face turn very red, biting back a laugh.

“That’s what I thought,” Leonard said in a reprimanding tone, but he was smiling, “It’s nice to see this side of you. I could start to like you, you know.”

Jim looks at him with a mock-offended expression. “You mean you don’t already like me, Bones?”

Leonard scoffs and takes another drink. “Don’t push it, kid. And knock it off with the nickname already.”

\-----

It was long after hours by the time they made it back to campus, and Jim wasn’t quite finished when the bar was closing up. Leonard, slightly more sensible, managed to coax him back to their dorm with the promise of more bourbon. He somehow got the door open and led Jim to his own bed.

“There we go, home at last,” he said, taking off Jim’s shoes and jacket in case he fell asleep. Jim just let him, squinting as he tried to focus on Leonard’s face in the half-light.

Leonard laughed. “Don’t think too hard now, Jim, you’ll strain yourself.”

Jim laughed in response and sat back, propping himself up on his elbows. Leonard found glasses and poured them both a drink from his own little stash of bourbon he’d hidden in his bedside cabinet. Finally, the good stuff. He handed Jim a glass, Jim raised it to him before taking a drink.

“Hey, Bones…”

“Yeah?”

“You were really gonna hit him, weren’t you?”

Jim was smiling, but there was a seriousness about him – something Leonard wasn’t used to seeing.

“He had no right to do what he did, you didn’t deserve that. So, uh, yeah, if you hadn't stopped me, I was gonna hit him.”

 Jim took another drink, and he looked pensive, as if he was thinking carefully about what to say next.

“Thank you,” he said finally, “Not a lot of people have ever stood up for me like that, and I appreciate it.”

 _‘Jesus, this guy really is full of surprises, huh?’_ Jim Kirk was quickly becoming Leonard’s shining example of ‘don’t judge a book by its cocky, loud-mouthed cover.’

“Don’t mention it,” Leonard replied, waving his hand in an off-handed manner.

Jim sat up, just managing to avoid spilling his drink. “No, I mean it,” he insisted, suddenly very close to Leonard’s face. “I _really_ appreciate it.”

Leonard frowned, trying to focus on Jim’s face, but he was finding it difficult. _‘Was this stuff always so strong?’_

“It’s fine, Jim, it’s what f-” and he faltered for a moment before continuing. “-friends do for each other, right?” Jim had proven himself to be so much more in one night than what Leonard had seen in the entire month they’d been living together - he could imagine how much it had taken Jim to tell him what he had at the bar, even if he had been so casual about it.

Jim’s face lit up. “We’re friends?”

“On a trial basis. I haven’t decided yet,” he joked, trying to look serious, almost dropping his glass when Jim suddenly got too close and pressed a kiss to his cheek.

“Jim, what the hell?” 

Jim just smiled before moving closer again. Leonard moved back in a panic, and Jim’s forehead hit his shoulder. Leonard sighed in a mixture of frustration and relief when he realised - Jim was snoring. He’d fallen asleep. He wasn’t about to-

_‘About to what?’_

Leonard gently took the almost empty glass from Jim’s hand and laid him down on his back, pulling the blanket around him. He practically fell into his own bed, barely able to undress himself as his eyes closed, suddenly very heavy.

_‘About to what?’_

Leonard fell asleep before he could give it any thought.


	4. Chapter 4

If someone had have told Leonard this a month ago, he’d have laughed in their face, but Jim was becoming steadily easier to live with. He was still as messy, still as “active” in his social life – Leonard had now insisted that if Jim was bringing anyone back to their dorm to warn him in advance, dammit – but something had changed since that night at the bar.

A fact he wasn’t the keenest on admitting to Christine when he met her for coffee, especially when he saw her eyebrow raise and a smile spread across her face in an “I knew it” kind of way. He knew she’d have found out anyway at some point, she was blessed with a good bedside manner – something they didn’t share in common – and people naturally wanted to tell her everything. Leonard found it unnerving how she found things out.

“Yes, okay, maybe I was a little hard on him to begin with, but Jim Kirk is not the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” Leonard insisted.

Christine was still smiling, and she gave the red-haired woman – her date from a few weeks ago turned girlfriend, an Orion named Gaila - with her arm around the back of her chair a knowing look as she stirred her coffee.

Leonard frowned.

“What’s that look for?” Leonard looked between the two of them in annoyance. “You two seem to have your own little language and it ain’t fair if you’re usin’ it to talk about me when I’m right here.”

“There’s still time, you know,” she mused, “I mean, look at you. You’re almost happy now.”

Leonard’s scowl deepened, and Christine laughed.

“Alright, perhaps not right now, but in general you _do_ seem to be doing a lot better.”

Leonard took a long drink of his coffee, rather than respond. “ _Anyway,_ ” he pressed, determined to get off the subject of Jim, “how are things goin’ with you?”

Christine decided to give Leonard a break and filled him in how she had been doing, and thankfully the subject was dropped. At least, until the subject himself came bounding out of nowhere like a puppy.

“Christ…” Leonard muttered around his breath, trying to subtly sink lower in his chair and hoping to God Jim wouldn’t notice him.

Judging by his over the top wave, he did.

“Bones! Just the person I was looking for.”

Leonard sighed and sat up, there was no point in trying to hide.

“What’s up, Jim?”

Christine and Gaila were watching them both intently and it was making Leonard very uncomfortable. He cleared his throat and turned around in his seat to face Jim, so he couldn’t see the two of them.

“Look.” Jim handed him his PADD. Leonard scanned the open document – it was an invitation letter for the Kobayashi Maru test.

“The unbeatable test, huh?” Leonard laughed and handed the PADD back. “Good luck.”

“We’ll see,” Jim replied casually, the over-confidence in his voice enough to make Leonard’s eyes roll.

“It’s unbeatable for a reason, Jim, that’s the whole point of it.”

“I don’t believe in no-win scenarios,” Jim replied, in an uncharacteristically serious tone, “And I want you there when I take it.”

“To watch you make a fool of yourself and fail? I’ll take a front row seat to that show, thank you.”

Jim grinned, clapping his shoulder. “Good, then I’ll see you there. Ladies.” He nodded to Christine and Gaila with a wink before he left.

“So that’s the famous Jim Kirk, huh?” Christine asked, her eyes on him as he left, “I like him.”

If Leonard rolled his eyes any more, they were going to fall out of his head.


	5. Chapter 5

“Jim, would you quit whinin’? You lost, get over it. It’s called the unbeatable test for a reason.”

“You mean Starfleet expects me _not_ to be able to rescue the Kobayashi Maru _and_ keep my own crew safe? It’s bullshit. No, I refuse to accept this.”

Leonard sighed, knocking back the rest of his drink and signalling to the passing waiter for another. He was going to need as much alcohol as possible if he were to deal with Jim while he was in this mood. They were cozied up in a booth at the Academy bar after classes and Jim’s defeat at the hands of the Kobayashi Maru test. Well, “cozied up” was a strong term – Jim was all limbs and wild gestures, Leonard had narrowly avoided losing an eye twice now.

“Cut that out already, you’re gonna do me some damage,” he griped, suddenly grabbing Jim’s wrist and holding it to the wood of their table. Jim stopped mid-sentence, looking between his trapped wrist and Leonard with a look of…Well, if Leonard didn’t know any better, that was definitely a look of arousal. He withdrew his hand as if it’d been burnt by Jim’s skin, downing half of his new drink in one go, hoping to effectively kill the brain cells that had brought that thought into existence in the first place.

Jim pressed on as if nothing had happened, although he made sure to keep his pendulum arms to himself. “There’s gotta be a way to beat it, what’s the point otherwise?”

“The whole point, Jim, is to see how you react under extreme pressure and situations with no happy ending. It’s to see if you can make those hard decisions without letting it destroy you. Because these situations will always crop up for a Captain, and if you fold after one, what are your crew supposed to do without you?”

Jim was about to argue, and suddenly went very quiet.

“It’s one thing to give you a hypothetical test, and a whole other to face it in reality,” he said finally, “Everyone knows that you’ll fail the Kobayashi, those hypothetical lives don’t matter, because they never existed. But what do you when you’re _really_ out there, staring down the enemy with hundreds of lives resting on your decision? How are you supposed to choose?”

Leonard frowned, then it hit him – George Kirk had faced his own version of the Kobayashi Maru, and he hadn’t made it out to tell the tale. That had to be why Jim was so adamant on beating it.

“It’s to see if you’ve got the makings of a Starship Captain, if you’ve got what it takes to face that situation if it comes.”

Jim took another drink, grimacing as it slid down his throat. “It’s not gonna come, because I’m not gonna let it.”

Leonard sighed and shook his head. “You’re a real stubborn bastard, you know that?”

Jim grinned. “Why, Bones, I think that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.”

\-----

_“-making hostile threats towards the Federation. A spokesperson from Starfleet released this statement to the public this morning: “We have tried to handle this situation in a peaceful and diplomatic manner in keeping with the Federation's ideals and beliefs, and this has yielded nothing but threats of violence in response. As a result, the Federation may have no choice but to-“_

“I’m gonna take it again,” Jim announced as soon he came into the room, and Leonard almost felt himself jump out of his skin.

“Christ, Jim, _warn_ me next time before you bargin’ in here like that,” he griped. He’d been so focused on the radio that he hadn’t heard the door open. He switched it off with a sigh and turned to Jim. “You’re not serious, are you?”

Jim dumped his bag on the ground and flopped down on his bed, resting his head on his arms. “I put in another request and they accepted. Apparently you can take the test as many times as you want.”

Leonard scoffed. “You didn’t listen to a word I said before, did you?”

“Of course I did, Bones, it’s just- The test is a cheat.”

“It’s to judge your character as a potential Captain, Jim,” Leonard said for what had to have been the eighth time. He was beginning to feel like an old record, scratching and looping on one line of a song over and over.

Jim was staring at the ceiling, clearly not listening, so Leonard stopped wasting his breath.

“Are you going home for the holidays?” he asked finally. It was almost the end of November now, and the Academy was already beginning to look very festive now that the first snowfall of the season had arrived. Jim had even hung a little sprig of mistletoe above their door in the spirit of the holidays, which everyone but Leonard had found cute. (Jim quickly learned after his first attempt at trying to kiss his roommate under the mistletoe and receiving a swift smack to the back of the head not to dare try again.)

“No, I uh, I figured I’d stay here for the holidays,” Leonard answered in as nonchalant a manner as he could muster, “All that travelling, and in this weather too, it’s just not worth it.”

“That’s a shame. Won’t your family miss you?”

“Yeah, but I’ll send a comm., it’ll be fine. I’ve had to work through Christmases before, they’ll understand.” Leonard had found himself to be a pretty good liar when he wanted to be.

“Well, that works out good for me, I guess. You can keep me company.”

Leonard raised an eyebrow. “You’re not goin’ home either?”

Jim shrugged. “Don’t have one to go back to.” He caught Leonard giving him a look, and he shook his head. “Don’t feel sorry for me, Bones, it’s not that big a deal. My mom’s off planet most of the time, I can’t remember the last Christmas we spent together as a family, and my brother’s got his own family now, so it’s just easier for me to stay here.”

“So I’m gonna have you botherin’ me on what’s supposed to be my holiday?” Leonard said, but a small smile was playing on his lips. “That’s just great.”

Jim pulled a face, pretending to be offended, but couldn’t stop the smile on his face. “C’mon, Bones, it’ll be fun.”


	6. Chapter 6

"You’re not staying in the dorms over the holidays." Christine was not backing down from this, and Leonard was beginning to regret even mentioning anything to her.

"I don't wanna put you out, I mean this is your and Gaila's first Christmas together, you'll want time to yourselves-"

Gaila put an arm around Christine, squeezing affectionately. "Don’t worry, Chrissie and I will have _plenty_  of time to ourselves over the holidays," she said in a suggestive tone, winking at Leonard, and Christine playfully slapped her shoulder.

"Please, the less I know, the better," Leonard insisted, putting his hand up to stop Gaila in her tracks.

She pouted in mock-offence. "You mean you don't think about what two beautiful women such as ourselves do alone together? I’m insulted."

Christine had turned a bright very red, Orions were well-known for their outspokenness, particularly when it came to sex. " _Gaila_ ," she hissed.

"Sorry, I forget how prudish you Terrans are," she said with a giggle, and Christine turned her attention back to Leonard.

"You're spending Christmas with us, I insist," she continued, as if Gaila had never spoken.

"And where am I gonna stay?” Leonard countered, “You're in dorms too."

"Uh-uh, I’m apartment-sitting for a friend while she's home with her family. Two bedrooms, so there'll be plenty of room for you. C'mon, say yes. You know I won't stop nagging you until you do."

She wouldn't say it, but Leonard knew she was worried about him, didn't want him spending his first Christmas after Jocelyn alone. And while she didn't need to concern herself - he wasn't about to do something stupid - he appreciated it all the same.

"Alright, alright, fine. I’ll stay with you," he relented, as if she were burdening him in some way.

"Of course you will," Christine replied smugly, "and what about Jim?"

Leonard frowned. He hated how she did that, made them sound like a couple.

"What about Jim?" Leonard asked with a shrug.

"Will he be joining us?"

Leonard thought about lying, telling Christine that Jim had his own family to go home to, but, and he wanted to kick himself for thinking like this, the idea of Jim spending Christmas alone in their dorm made his stomach twist in uncomfortable knots.

"He’s, uh, he's stayin' here," he told her, and Christine shook her head.

"No, that won't do at all, he's staying with us too."

"Christine-"

Christine put a finger up to silence Leonard. "I’m not hearing another word about it, Len," she said sharply, as if she were his mother.

Leonard slumped in his chair. It was exhausting arguing with her, she was as stubborn as he was. Before he realised what was happening, his mind wandered to the sleeping arrangements. If there were only two bedrooms- _'No.'_ Leonard shut that thought down before it even started.

\-----

Leonard couldn’t decide how to bring up Christine’s invitation to Jim, and it was driving him crazy. What was driving him crazier was the fact that he was making such a big deal out of it. ‘ _It’s dinner with friends. Why the hell are you bein’ so weird about this?_ ’ He couldn’t answer that question, and it was only making him more frustrated. Jim couldn’t help but notice.

“Bones, you uh, you alright?” he asked tentatively. They were in the Academy library, books and PADDs strewn across their table.

“ ‘m fine,” Leonard muttered, scribbling something down in a notebook. He was well aware that notebooks were becoming a thing of the past, but it helped him remember things more clearly, even if he did look as though he were stuck in the Stone Age, as Jim was fond of telling him from time to time.

“Are you sure? ‘Cause that vein in your neck is back again, and it looks angry.”

Leonard instinctively clasped a hand over the side of his neck. “Quit starin’.”

Jim shook his head and went back to his own work. He knew Leonard would crack eventually.

“Christine wants you to stay with us for Christmas,” he blurted finally, a little too fast and agitated.

Jim looked up. “Why do you sound so mad about that?” he asked, wanting to clear this up before the conversation moved on.

Leonard sighed. “I’m not, I’m just- I’m tired, Jim, all this-“ He gestured to the books in front of him. “-is wearin’ me out.” Leonard had always prided himself in being a competent doctor, one of the best in his field, but that was mostly working with humans. Xenobiology was a whole other hurdle – Hell, he hadn’t even heard of some of these species until a few months ago.

Jim relented a little. “It’s understandable, you’ve got a lot on your plate. So what are the plans, then?”

“Me, you, Christine and Gaila. She’s apartment-sitting when her friend is outta town for the holidays. Says she doesn’t want us mopin’ about on our own.”

“She’s so thoughtful,” Jim mused with a smile, “What should I bring?”

“Just bring yourself. Anything you’ll think to bring, Christine will have thought of it, she’s always over-doin’ it,” Leonard said, but not unkindly.

“I could bring the mistletoe from our door?”

Gaila and Jim armed with mistletoe, that’s just what Leonard’s nerves needed.

“You’ll bring yourself, and that’s final,” he insisted, turning back to his books.

Jim huffed. “Alright…spoilsport.”

Leonard just scowled.


	7. Chapter 7

When Christmas Eve arrived, Leonard was no by means in a festive mood at all. By now, most of the cadets and professors had gone home, save for a handful like himself and Jim that had nowhere really to go, and some who were not up for the journey halfway across the galaxy home. Jim had come in covered in snow, cheeks and nose bright red, laughter cut short when he noticed that Leonard was sitting in the near darkness.

“Bones…?”

Leonard immediately slipped what he was holding in his hands under his pillow.

“Shit, Jim, you scared me, I didn’t think you’d be back so early.” Leonard stood up, busying himself with the things on his bedside cabinet, not really doing anything. His voice was hoarse. “Lights, 70%.”

The room gradually brightened, allowing them both to adjust to the new light.

Jim unwound his scarf from his neck. “Yeah, uh, it got so bad out there, I had to come back in. Are you- Are you alright?”

Leonard still hadn’t turned around. “Yeah, yeah, fine. Lost track of time there. I’d better get ready. Y’know, for goin’ to Christine’s and all.”

He headed for the bathroom, not giving Jim a glimpse of his face. The door slid shut before Jim could say anything else. He looked around the room as he took his coat off, and he frowned. Something was off. Leonard was quite meticulous about his possessions – anything valuable to him always stayed on one shelf over his bed. Then he realised. The photograph was gone.

Leonard turned the shower on, so Jim couldn’t hear. He sat on the floor, everything hitting him like a wave and he cried, hugging his knees to his chest. He knew it would be hard but God, he never thought it would be this painful. He dried his eyes on his sleeve after a minute or so, forcing himself to stop. He realised the longer he stayed in the bathroom, the more questions Jim was going to have, and he managed to drag himself from the floor to pull off his clothes and get in the shower, when really all he wanted to get into bed. To go home.

When he came out of the bathroom, he could sense the tension in the room. Jim looked up from his PADD with a smile.

“Hey, I checked the weather. It’s dying down outside, and it’s not that far a walk to Christine and Gaila. You finished in there?” he asked casually, and Leonard appreciated his pretending that everything was fine.

“Uh, yeah, sorry I took so long,” he replied, trying to keep himself composed as Jim slung clean clothes over his shoulder.

“I won’t be long, and then we’ll get going?”

Leonard nodded and Jim smiled again, gently touching Leonard’s shoulder as he walked past. Leonard slid his hand under the pillow once the room was empty, setting the photograph back on the shelf.

 _‘Out of sight, out of mind,’_ he told himself like a mantra, turning on the radio to drown out the noise in his head for as long as he could.


	8. Chapter 8

Jim had exaggerated when he’d said that the snow was dying down. It lay inches thick on the ground, with flurries of it falling around them as they made the trek to Christine and Gaila’s. Between the hidden ice on the ground underneath the snow and the weight of their bags, the two of them were having a hard time staying upright. Jim thought it was hilarious – _‘Of course he would’_ Leonard griped to himself as he helped Jim to his feet for the third time in ten minutes, but he really wasn’t in the mood. He just wanted to get there and start drinking.  _‘Merry fuckin’ Christmas from the Grinch.’_

“For Christ’s sake, Jim- Here, hold onto my arm. We’ll never get there at this rate,” Leonard snapped, holding his right arm out.

Jim sobered considerably, gingerly taking Leonard’s arm. “Sorry,” he said quietly, and Leonard immediately felt guilt wash over him.

“I didn’t mean to snap,” Leonard offered by way of an apology as they continued their slow journey, “I’m just- I don’t want you breakin’ anything, that’s all.”

That was bullshit and they both knew it, but Jim didn’t argue. Leonard was certain he felt him gently squeeze his arm through his coat.

Thankfully the end was in sight, and they risked injury to run the last few metres into the apartment building’s lobby, shaking themselves off before taking the elevator to the third floor.

The door swung open before Leonard was finished knocking, revealing a very excited Gaila wearing reindeer antlers and what had to have been the ugliest jumper either of them had ever laid eyes on. It was green and red and far too big, with a giant Christmas tree on the front decorated with little lights that flashed on and off.

“You made it!” she greeted, pulling them both into a warm embrace.

“Just about,” Jim replied with a smile, wiping the last of the snow from his shoulders, “That’s uh- That’s quite the sweater you’ve got on.”

Gaila pulled at the hem to show it off more. “Isn’t it great? I love all your silly Earth traditions on Christmas. Come in, come in, Chrissie’s in the kitchen.”

She fussed around them, taking their coats and hanging them up to dry.

“The spare bedroom’s just through there, if you want to put your things away,” she called as she disappeared into the kitchen.

The pair looked at the room. It was small and plain, with one bed a little smaller than a double bed. Obviously a guest room.

“I’ll leave my stuff in here and sleep on the couch,” Leonard offered, and Jim shook his head, dumping his bag at the bottom of the bed.

“Why? There’s enough room here for the both of us,” Jim countered, completely oblivious, “I’ll keep to my side of the bed, don’t worry.”

“Jim-“

“Chrissie’s almost finished with dinner and I have drinks for you,” Gaila sing-songed as she walked past into the living room with a tray in her hands. Jim had left the room before Leonard could say anything more.

\-----

“It’s not much,” Christine admitted with a frown as she put down the seventh bowl of food.

Leonard looked at her like she was crazy. “Chris, this is more than enough,” he reassured her, trying to get her to sit down, but she sidestepped him, intent on making sure everyone was served and comfortable.

“Not when you see what’s she’s making tomorrow,” Gaila said, trying to pile up her plate before Christine had even put the food on the table. She slapped Gaila’s hand lightly.

“Guests first,” she scolded light-heartedly, “What you stole from the kitchen should have been more than enough to fill you up.”

Gaila’s cheeks turned a dark shade of green. “Yes, Miss,” she said quietly, but she winked at Jim, who couldn’t help but laugh.

“Christine, you’re makin’ me dizzy, would you sit down already?” Leonard insisted as he watched Christine arrange the bowls of food, then rearrange them, as if she was trying to match up the foods that complement each other best.

“Alright, alright.” She finally relented and sat down. “Sorry, it’s just my mom would always put so much effort in, and I don’t feel right unless I’m doing the same.”

Leonard squeezed her hand from across the table affectionately. “She’d be proud of you.”

Christine smiled wistfully. “I hope so,” she said quietly, then brightened up significantly, “Okay, enjoy.”

Leonard decided to wait until everyone was served, hoping there would be food left by the time Gaila and Jim were finished – the two of them were stacking their plates up like they’d never been fed before. He turned his attention to the, well he could only assume it was a drink, that Gaila had made for him. It was a dull blue tone, and smoke was rising from it in a manner that didn’t exactly invite Leonard to drink it. He sniffed at it tentatively, it had a distinct whiskey scent, which threw him off completely. _‘A drink’s a drink.’_ He took a drink, and it _was_ whiskey. Some blue, smoking version, but whiskey all the same.

“How is it?” He didn’t realise Gaila had been watching him in between what she was doing.

“Really good. What is it?”

“It’s- Well, I’ll write it down for you, you won’t be able to pronounce it. It’s Orion. I used to work at a bar before I got into the Academy,” she explained.

“Well, keep ‘em comin’,” Leonard said with a smile.

The conversation flowed nicely through dinner, and Leonard began to feel himself relax a little. He knew it was because he was distracted, and it would all rear its ugly head again once he tried to go to sleep, but for now, he was content enough. They retired to the living room afterwards, after Gaila and Jim had eaten all but the plates and cutlery between them. Christine and Gaila took one sofa, cuddling up under a blanket. Jim took the floor, resting his shoulder against Leonard’s knee. Leonard had tried to move, but he was right at the end of the other sofa and couldn’t avoid the contact, so he opted to ignore it instead. Gaila had fixed them up more drinks, and they were all really starting to feel them now.

“You two would be cute,” she said out of nowhere, breaking the comfortable silence.

Leonard almost spat his drink around himself, Jim just laughed. “We’d be cute if what?” he asked, and she shook her head.

“I mean as a couple. You two would be cute together,” she explained with a giggle. “Ow! What was that for?”

Her hands were under the blanket, but it was evident that Christine had pinched Gaila to try and shut her up.

“You’re making them uncomfortable,” she muttered, and Gaila’s eyes widened.

“Oh, I’m so sorry, I didn’t think.”

Jim shook his head. “Nah, don’t worry about it,” he reassured her, his hand squeezing Leonard’s knee, “No harm done, right, Bones?”

Leonard jolted under his touch and looked at Jim, who had a smile on his face that could easily be interpreted as suggestive. _‘Why the hell is he lookin’ at me like that?’_

“Yeah, no harm done,” he said instead, taking a long drink.

Christine untangled herself from the blanket. “I’ll be back in a moment,” she said, excusing herself from the room.

“Is everyone on Orion like that?” Jim asked Gaila.

“What do you mean?”

“Outspoken like that, you always just say what you think so honestly.”

Gaila nodded. “Dancing around what you want or need to say is so unnecessary and exhausting, and where does it get you? It might spare someone’s feelings, but if everyone grew up the way I did, you wouldn’t be so easily offended. I think that’s one of the hardest things about living on Earth, for me anyway. Nobody just says what they feel.”

“Yeah, they don’t,” Jim agreed thoughtfully.

Leonard frowned. _‘That wasn’t aimed at you, you’re in a bad place and you’re gettin’ paranoid.’_ He couldn’t have been more grateful to see Christine when she returned, a small pile of boxes in her arms.

“I know presents are supposed to be for tomorrow, but my parents always let me open a present on Christmas Eve, and it seems wrong to break tradition,” she explained, handing a present to each of them, “They’re nothing big or exciting, just little things.”

Leonard slid his finger carefully under the wrapping of the square shape in his lap. It was a book of anatomical illustrations, beautifully bound, with gold gilded lettering. He touched the pages as he leafed through them almost reverently.

“Christine, you didn’t have to-“ he started, and Christine shook her head.

“I know I didn’t have to, but I wanted to,” she said, smiling warmly. Gaila was twirling an elegant bottle of perfume around in her hands while Jim wrapped a gold scarf that clashed with his hair around his neck.

“Wait, I have something too,” he announced suddenly and bounded out of the room. Leonard knew Jim well enough to be concerned, and when he came back with that damn mistletoe in his hands, he had every right to be worried.

“I know you said not to bring it,” Jim said sheepishly, looking at Leonard, “But it’s tradition.”

Leonard scoffed into his drink, but said nothing. _‘So he does listen. He just doesn’t apply.’_

Gaila clapped her hands together gleefully. “Oh, I love mistletoe!” she exclaimed, scrambling out from under the blanket. “Hold it up, hold it up.”

Jim held it up over his head, making an exaggerated kissy face as he leaned in to kiss Gaila’s cheek. She tilted her head away, grabbing his face and kissing him square on the lips instead.

Christine laughed, rummaging down the side of the sofa. “Hold still, you two, I want to get a photo.” She unearthed her PADD from under the blanket, the two of them still dedicated to staying completely still and in the same position until she took the photo. Leonard felt his stomach clench watching them. _‘It’s the drink,_ ’ he told himself.

Jim turned his attention to Christine, giving her a respectful kiss on the cheek and a whispered ‘thank you’ in her ear for his gift. She smiled and kissed him back before she was whirled around on the spot by Gaila, who had freed the mistletoe from Jim’s grasp, and was set on kissing Christine with everything she had. Jim laughed, pulling a face at Leonard, who managed to muster a smile in return.

“Now you two!” Gaila was shouting, having finally let go of Christine and handing the mistletoe back to Jim as Christine put her hands over her very red cheeks.

Leonard shook his head as Jim approached him. “No, no-“

“Bones, c’mon, it’s just a bit of fun.”

_‘Stop acting weird.’_

Leonard got to his feet, a little unsteady, the alcohol really hitting him all of a sudden. Jim grinned and held the mistletoe over their heads, leaning in to kiss Leonard. Leonard stepped in a little closer, putting his hand on Jim’s shoulder. He suddenly realised what he was doing and pulled away.

“Sorry, it’s the drink, lost my balance a little,” he lied, but Jim seemed to buy it. He didn’t say anything at least.

Christine began picking up the wrapping paper littering the ground, and Leonard was quick to help her.

“How are you doing?” she asked as soon as they were out of earshot in the kitchen.

Leonard shrugged. “About as well as can be expected,” he replied in as unaffected a tone as he could muster.

“The firsts are always the hardest,” Christine offered empathetically, “When my mom died…God, it was hard. The first birthday, first Christmas, first day of the Academy, it really hurt. But it does get easier, I promise.”

Leonard sighed, an uneven breath that shook his whole body. “I just miss her.”

Christine didn’t say anything, she gently pulled Leonard into her arms. He didn’t fight her, just rested his head on her shoulder and let her hold him for a little while. He pulled away with a quiet “thanks”, and Christine could see that he didn’t want to talk about it anymore.

“So how’s it going with Jim?” she asked casually.

“Oh, not you too-“

“No, no, I mean as roommates, friends, whatever you two are. How’s that going?” she asked, picking at the leftovers of the rhubarb pie they’d had for dessert.

Leonard scratched the back of his neck. “I dunno, okay I guess? I mean, he’s definitely changed since we first started livin’ together, he’s a lot more bearable. So, uh, yeah, it’s goin’ okay.”

“Have you told him? About..?” Christine trailed off, taking another mouthful of pie.

“No, I haven’t told him anything, it’s not really relevant,” Leonard answered offhandedly.

Christine shrugged as she made for the door. “Jim’s not what a lot of people make him out to be. He's a good guy, and could be a good friend, if you'd let him in. But it’s up to you.”

Leonard didn’t reply, just followed her back into the living room. Gaila was curled up on the sofa, snoring under her wild hair that had fallen over her face, and Jim was leafing through Leonard’s present.

“Where we gone that long?” Christine asked, trying to rouse Gaila.

“Barely ten minutes, I think. She was mid-sentence and then she just conked out.”

Christine smiled as Gaila came to. “She does that a lot. She’s so full of energy throughout the day and then she just crashes. C’mon, sleepy head, let’s get you to bed.”

Gaila didn’t argue, just let Christine lead her out of the room.

“I’ll see you two in the morning. Goodnight.”

Gaila yawned. “G’ni.”

"'Night," Jim called after them, turning his attention to Leonard as they left. “Should we…?” He indicated in the direction of the door.

Leonard sat down. “Nah, it’s still a bit early for me. Unless you wanna get some sleep?”

Jim shook his head. “I’m still pretty awake,” he said with a smile.

Leonard looked around him awkwardly, as if something in the room would tell him what to say. He took a deep breath, trying to steady himself. “Hey, uh, listen. I’m sorry about how I’ve been the past while.”

“Don’t worry about it, you’ve stressed with studying. It’s totally understandable,” Jim reassured him in an almost dismissive tone.

_‘Well, good to know I hadn’t been goin’ about it as subtly as I thought.’_

“It’s not that, it’s uh…Christ.” Leonard downed the last of his drink. Dutch courage. Jim waited patiently while he found the right words.

“I have a daughter,” he said finally. If Jim had reacted, Leonard sure as hell couldn’t see it. His expression hadn’t changed, nor had he said anything. Leonard took it as his cue to continue. He’d already started, might as well finish.

“Her mother and I are recently divorced, though to be honest, even when we were together, it felt that we hadn't been for a long time. We just drifted apart, we got so wrapped in other things, and I was working a lot, I was barely ever home." Leonard stopped to take another breath, then pushed himself to continue. "I think Joanna was the only reason we stayed together for as long as we did. I’d been a doctor first, everything else second for so long that when she came into our lives, suddenly I was a father first. And it was incredible, it really was, this little person, this little part of me, depended on me so much, for everything. And it brought Jocelyn and I closer together for a while, we set our differences aside and focused on our little girl. And then I went back to work, and it started all over again – I went to work, and work came home with me. I’ve never been good with switchin’ off – what if I gave a misdiagnosis, or what if I can’t stop them from getting sicker, or if I had have noticed in time, would they still be alive? All the could-haves and what-ifs. I stopped sleepin’, and started self-medicatin’.”

Leonard lifted his empty glass with a solemn expression. “Jocelyn and I started fightin’ a lot after that, and finally she gave me an ultimatum – her and Jo or my work. And I just stood there lookin’ at her, didn’t say a thing. I couldn’t answer her.”

He laughed, but there wasn’t a trace of humour in it. He was looking off somewhere behind Jim, as if he were talking to himself. “She left that night with Jo, and the house had never feel bigger or emptier. I gave her a few days and then I called. She asked me again, and I still couldn’t answer. She didn’t say anything, just hung up the phone. I guess that’s why I left for Starfleet. Call me a coward, but I can’t tell her what she wants to hear. I can’t give up my work – I’m good at what I do and I’ve saved lives before, I don’t intend to stop now, I don’t know how to switch off from it all. Jo’s still young.” Leonard’s voice wavered a little. “I’d rather she had a steady life with her mom and her family than me walkin’ in and out and havin’ to explain to my little girl why I’m never there. I just- I just hope when she’s older, she’ll understand.”

The sudden silence was deafening. Leonard slumped into the sofa, as if all the air in his body had escaped. He hadn't realised just how quickly everything was going to come tumbling out, but holding it all in for that long was exhausting. He wasn’t sure if he was supposed to feel better, but it was done. He wasn’t sober enough to regret it, but tomorrow would come as it always did and he’d face it then.

Leonard flinched as arms wrapped around his shoulders, Jim’s cheek against his neck. He didn’t fight him off, eventually gathering the courage to do the same, arms around Jim’s waist.

“Thank you for trusting me,” Jim murmured against his skin, “I know how hard that must have been for you.”

Leonard just nodded, too tired to speak. Jim pulled back slightly, enough to look Leonard in the eyes. Leonard couldn’t help but notice _just how close_ he was all of a sudden, just a few millimetres from-

“I think you should get some sleep now, you're probably exhausted,” Jim said softly with a smile, and Leonard nodded. He could feel himself shaking, and he hoped Jim hadn’t noticed. He allowed himself to be helped to his feet, and he made his way to bed in a daze, eyes not really seeing. He undressed and fell into bed, heart hammering, too many thoughts trying to make themselves heard at once.

He felt Jim’s weight next to him as he lay down.

“Merry Christmas, Bones,” he said quietly.

Leonard just stayed quiet, pretending he’d already fallen asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, a long chapter. I hope it reads okay, as it's very long and I'm my own proofreader.  
> Some of you may have noticed that some chapters have disappeared. Everything's still there, I just rearranged some of the chapters so that they fit together a little better. As always, thank you for reading!


	9. Chapter 9

“MERRY CHRISTMAS‼”

Leonard had no time to register Gaila throwing herself onto the bed before it was too late. He managed to scramble up the bed out of the way of her elbows at least, causing his hangover to suddenly wake up too. He put his head in his hands with a groan.

“..time is it..?” Jim mumbled, emerging from the blanket like an animal waking from hibernation. His hair was sticking up in all directions, eyes bleary with sleep.

“It’s just after noon, sleepy heads,” Gaila informed, making herself comfortable in between them. Leonard made the mistake of looking at her – she was wearing another ugly sweater, with more twinkly lights than the last and fluorescent patterns, which Leonard’s hangover-induced headache did not appreciate. “I’ve been wanting to wake you up for hours, but Chris made me wait. How are you feeling?”

“All the better for the wake-up call,” Leonard griped, and Gaila laughed.

“Food will help with that, c’mon, get up already.” She bounced off the bed, earning a groan from both of them from the sudden movement.

Jim slowly sat up. “How you feelin’?” he asked with a lazy smile.

Leonard shook his head, instantly regretting it as his headache flared up again.

“Yeah, you and me both,” Jim laughed, running his hands through his hair, “Hey, uh, Bones?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you for last night,” Jim said, and there was sincerity in his voice, “I know I’ve said this already, but none of that could have been easy for y-“

Leonard held a hand up, cutting Jim off mid-sentence. “Don’t mention it."

“No, Bones, I mean it-“

“Jim.” And God did Leonard feel tired. “It was hard enough last night, and if it hadn’t been for the drink, I honestly can’t say if I’d have talked at all. I can’t- I really can’t do this. So just leave it, okay?” He realised how harsh he sounded – Jim was just trying to be a good friend – and he tried to smile, but it was more of a grimace.

Jim nodded in understanding. “Okay. Sorry.” He gave Leonard a little smile before he got out of bed. Leonard watched him leave, running a hand over his face. He just wanted to go back to sleep.

\-----

Looking back on the events of the day, Leonard couldn’t honestly say what had happened and what he’d made up – it all happened in a blur, like an old video that wasn’t quite in focus. He vaguely remembered dinner, conversations around the table, Gaila singing off-key carols and wrapping paper ripping somewhere in the distance. The only thing he was certain of was the alcohol that kept appearing and disappearing, one thing he was very grateful for. He wasn’t stupid, he knew all too well it wasn’t the answer – not forever, anyway, just for today. He must have been doing a good job of pretending to have a good time, as not even Christine had taken him to one side to ask if he was okay. Maybe she had thought better of it, and let him pretend.

Leonard didn’t resurface fully from his daze until late into the night, feeling déjà vu wash over him as he realised that he was where he had been the night before – on the sofa with a half-empty glass in his hand. Only Jim was with him, sitting on the other sofa.

He looked around. “Where are Gaila and Christine?”

“They went to bed a while ago. You said goodnight to them, don’t you remember?” Jim asked.

“I haven’t really been here most of the day,” he admitted quietly.

Jim nodded, taking a drink. “We’d noticed, but we didn’t want to say anything,” he said, though not unkindly, “You did good, though.”

Leonard didn’t need to ask what he meant by that. They both lapsed into silence for a while.

“Y'know, I’ve never really liked Christmas,” Jim started quietly, and Leonard looked at him.

“Really? You coulda fooled me,” Leonard said with a little smile, “All the noise and food and spendin’ time with people, I figured you’d love that.”

“It’s never really been a holiday that was celebrated in our house,” Jim explained, “And when it was…Well, it was never celebrated properly. There was always an argument, or someone storming out, and it almost always ended with my mom in tears.”

Leonard didn’t say anything, just listened. This must have been hard for Jim, and he realised that this was probably his way of repaying Leonard for trusting him with everything he had told him the night before.

“I’m sure you know what happened the day I was born,” Jim continued, and Leonard nodded. “It’s no secret, everyone knows. I know my mom did her best, and deep down I know she loves me, but you could tell every time she looked at me, she saw him. Can’t have helped that I look so much like him too.” Jim sighed. “Really can’t have helped that the day it happened, my birthday, is very soon after Christmas. She was constantly on edge during the holidays, and it led to a lot of arguing, and me storming out. “There goes Winona’s kid running off again” was practically a mantra in our town.”

Leonard wanted to say something, but what was he supposed to say? He stayed quiet and let him talk, paying Jim the same courtesy he’d paid him.

“I wasn’t really serious about Starfleet, not at the start. I just wanted away from it all, away from the fighting and the crying and everything I couldn’t fix. I grew up hearing the stories about my dad, everyone saw him as a hero – I saw him as my rival. He’d done so much, saved so many lives, including mine, and I could never live up to that. People find out I’m the son of the great George Kirk and they’re disappointed that I’m nothing like him. I hated him as a teenager, I hated the constant comparisons, and I couldn’t stand that I was a constant reminder for my mom. I wanted her to see me for who _I_ was.”

Jim fell silent for a few moments, as if deep in thought.

“I’ve grown up a lot since then, and I don’t hate him anymore. But it’s hard to live under that enormous shadow, y’know? Doesn’t help when people are constantly reminding me how worthless they think I am.”

Leonard looked at Jim, and it almost like looking at a kid. He looked so lost and alone, and Leonard had never realised just how much he’d had to deal with.

“I’m trying,” he murmured. His voice cracked and he suddenly fell silent. Leonard could see tears forming in his eyes, and he crossed the room to sit next to him.

“I think he’d be real proud of you, Jim,” he said quietly, and he meant every word of it. Yes, he and Jim had gotten off to a rocky start, but underneath all that forced bravado, he was a good person, and was trying so hard to prove it.

Jim rubbed at his eyes. “You think so?” he asked, and there it was again, that lost kid looking for validation.

“I do, yeah,” Leonard told him, squeezing his arm gently, and Jim looked at him. “Can’t believe I’m sayin’ this, but _I’m_ proud of you. I gotta admit I didn’t like you much when I first met you, but you’ve really grown on me, and I can see how hard you’re tryin’.”

Jim managed a laugh, and he put his hand on Leonard’s. “I can be a bit of a handful, I know.”

Leonard snorted. “To put it lightly,” he said, and Jim laughed again.

“You’re not your dad, you’re Jim Kirk.” Leonard looked at Jim, growing serious again. “That’s not gonna change.”

Jim nodded. “Thanks, Bones,” he said sincerely, “For everything.”

Before Leonard could respond, Jim was kissing him, mouth warm against his. It was a soft kiss, nothing rushed or rough, and Jim pulled back before Leonard had enough time to register what was going on.

“Sorry,” he murmured with a little smile, more to himself than Leonard, “Probably wasn’t the right time.”

Confused wasn’t even close to what Leonard was feeling right now. _‘What the hell does that mean?’_

Jim patted Leonard’s arm before standing up. “I think I need to get some sleep now. I’ll see you in the morning?”

Leonard nodded, not looking at him. “Yeah, goodnight.”

He rested his head against the back of the sofa, letting out a long sigh.

 _‘Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night,’_ he thought to himself, and laughed, though there was nothing funny about it.


	10. Chapter 10

The Academy was just as quiet as it had been when they’d left, as most of the campus was still enjoying their holidays elsewhere. Jim hadn’t spoken much on the trip back, and Leonard tried not to question it, although he had the feeling that _he_ was the reason that Jim was so quiet. After all, he’d been his normal energetic self around Gaila and Christine all morning, and now it was as if someone had pulled his batteries out all of a sudden.

“Jim, you’re goin’ the wrong way. Our room’s this way,” Leonard said, gently taking Jim’s arm to stop him from continuing down the wrong hallway. He was certain he felt Jim flinch under his grip. “Hey, you alright? You’ve been in a daze since we left.”

Jim shook his head, as if he was trying to wake himself up from a deep sleep. He smiled, but it looked forced. “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Just thinking.”

Leonard kept an eye on him as they approached their room, making sure he didn’t wander off again. “Looks like some pretty intense thinkin’.”

“Hm?” Jim clearly was not on this planet at all right now. “Uh, yeah.”

“Look, about last night. You know, when we…” Leonard trailed off, never more grateful for their door needing his attention for the key code. He didn’t think he could look at Jim for this.

“Huh? Oh, right, that,” Jim said casually as the door slid open. He dumped his bag unceremoniously on the floor. “Don’t worry about it, I get a bit kissy after a few drinks sometimes, no big deal. Is it bothering you?”

Leonard shook his head, a little too quickly he noticed. “No, not at all. I was just wonderin’.”

“Yeah, don’t worry about it. It’s nothing.”

There was something in Jim’s tone that seemed…off. He was trying to pass off what he was saying as casual, but it was like he was trying too hard. Or maybe that’s what Leonard wanted to think.

_‘What the hell is that supposed to mean?’_

“Hey, listen, I’m gonna go out for a bit. I need a walk, clear my head, y’know?”

“Need some company?” Leonard asked, and Jim shook his head, that forced smile back on his face.

 “No, no, it’s fine. But thanks.”

Jim was gone before Leonard could say anything else. He ignored unpacking his things for now, flopping down on his bed, suddenly drained of energy.

 _‘Why is he being weird?’_ he thought, staring at the ceiling, and when he couldn’t answer that, another, much more unwelcome thought appeared in his head.

_‘Why am I being weird?’_

And he didn’t want the answer, but here it came anyway – in the form of Jim’s lips against his the night before, and his casual dismissal of it just minutes ago.

Leonard sighed, putting his pillow over his face, hoping it would block his thoughts out as easily as it blocked out the room. It didn’t, of course it didn’t. When did anything go his way?

“ _Shit,”_ was all he could bring himself to say.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter, I know, but I may add to it later to flesh it out more. Also last night this fic reached over 100 kudos!! I haven't even finished writing it and it's already been so well-received, so thank you!


	11. Chapter 11

Something was still off with Jim during the week that followed, and it was driving Leonard crazy. He was barely in their dorm anymore, and when he was, he barely spoke. Leonard didn’t like being left in the dark like this, especially if it meant that he might be in the wrong.

 _‘If he’d just tell me what I’ve done wrong, then we can clear this whole mess up and go back to normal, dammit,’_ he thought to himself for what must have been the fifteenth time. But what was he supposed to have done wrong? It couldn’t be what he had told him on Christmas Eve – Jim had been more than supportive, and it couldn’t have been what Jim had told him about his family – it wasn’t the first time he’d talked about it, and he’d been fine then. So then _what?_ Leonard was beyond seething by this point, and so when Jim walked in with a big smile on his face and announced that they were going to a New Year’s Eve party tomorrow night whether he liked it or not, it was all he could do to stop himself from exploding in Jim’s face.

“Yeah, sure, sounds good,” he said dismissively, pretending to be engrossed in something on his PADD.

“Is something wrong?” Jim asked.

 _‘Yeah, with you,’_ Leonard was on the verge of screaming, but he held his tongue. “No, not a thing, I’m fine.”

He didn’t even have to look at Jim to know that he was staring at him, but he didn’t press the matter.

“Alright, then I’ll see you tomorrow night,” Jim said shortly, and Leonard looked up.

“Tomorrow? Why, where you goin’?”

“Out,” was all he said, and he looked like a petulant child.

Leonard tried to hide his scowl, turning his attention back to his PADD. “Fine. See you tomorrow.”

He fought the rising urge to throw something at Jim as he left. “I’m too old for this crap,” he muttered to himself tiredly.

\-----

Christine and Gaila came to visit him the next evening, already dressed up for that night. Christine’s face immediately fell when she saw that Leonard hadn’t shaved, hadn’t changed, probably hadn’t even washed.

“I’m not goin’,” was all he said. Christine barged past him, Gaila following her with a sheepish smile at Leonard.

“Where’s Jim?” she asked.

Leonard shrugged. “What am I, his keeper?”

Christine frowned. “Did you two have an argument?”

“Christ, we’re not teenagers. He left last night, said he was goin’ out, and he hasn’t been back. What’s the big deal?” Leonard was trying to sound casual, but Christine could sense the anger in his tone and like a shark, honed in on it.

“So why are you sitting in your pyjamas, which, by the way, I’d guess are the ones you had on last night and haven’t taken off, and acting like a huffy child?”

Leonard rubbed a hand over his face. He just wanted to be left alone.

“He’s actin’ weird with me, he’s been weird all week, I’m on the verge of losin’ my damn mind, then in he waltzes last night goin’ on about some party like nothin’s happened, and I _may_ have been a bit…off with him.” That was an understatement and they both knew it.

“You didn’t hit him, did you?” Gaila blurted, and Leonard raised an eyebrow.

“’Course not. I’m a doctor, ‘do no harm’ and all that. I was damn close to it, though,” he admitted, “Blood pressure’s through the roof because of him.”

Christine shook her head. “You’re going to have a shower, you’re going to get dressed, and you’re coming out with us whether you like it or not.”

“Chris-“

“I’m not taking no for an answer. Now go on.” She knew she might have been being a little harsh, but she couldn’t allow herself to go out and enjoy herself knowing that Leonard would be here alone, especially not at the start of the new year. She told herself he’d thank her for it eventually.

Leonard huffed, grabbing clothes without really looking and heading for the bathroom.

“You’re like my goddamn mother,” he told her.

Christine smiled. “Love you too.”


	12. Chapter 12

Leonard did not want to be here. He couldn’t hear over the deafening music, could barely move or see over the crowd of people – he’d already lost Christine and Gaila, and this _had_ to be breaking at least three regulation codes – someone had rallied the remaining students and their friends into the main canteen to celebrate the end of the year. Leonard had to be the only one who was still sober by this point. He could see the door from where he was standing, and Christine wasn’t around, he could just-

“Bones!”

Leonard almost jumped out of his skin as a hand clapped down on his shoulder and whirled him around. Jim was very rosy-cheeked by this point - from the drink or the dancing, Leonard wasn’t sure – and smiling from ear to ear. His hand was still on Leonard’s shoulder.

“Finally talkin’ to me, huh?” Leonard asked sardonically.

“Yeah, yeah!” Jim obviously couldn’t hear him. “I’m glad you could make it!”

“You’re an asshole, you know that?” Leonard was definitely going to use this to his advantage.

Jim shrugged. “I dunno, about an hour?” he shouted back.

Leonard had to bite his tongue to stop himself from laughing. Jim pressed a glass into Leonard’s hand that had seemingly appeared from nowhere. Leonard gestured for Jim to move closer.

“Can we talk?” Leonard asked, trying to make sure Jim could hear him this time.

He nodded, taking Leonard’s hand and pulling him through the crowd to somewhere near the back, where there was a little more breathing room.

“You can, uh, you can let go now,” Leonard said, raising an eyebrow at Jim’s still tight grip on his hand.

Jim laughed, almost a giggle, and dropped his hand. Yeah, he was definitely drunk, Leonard decided.

“What was it you wanted to talk about?” he asked, trying to seem a little more serious.

Leonard looked at him. There was a fair chance that Jim would remember this tomorrow, but it somehow gave him a little relief to know that he might forget this entire conversation.

“You’ve been actin' weird,” he started. It wasn’t a question, and Jim looked like he wasn’t sure what to say.

“Yeah, I guess I have,” he admitted quietly, not quite meeting Leonard’s gaze, and fell silent again.

“Well?” Leonard prompted, “What’s wrong?”

Jim shifted his weight from one foot to the other, clearly uncomfortable.

“It’s just…Y’know, the stuff I told you,” he said, trying to sound casual, “It kinda hits me now and again. It was a lot to tell you, and I guess I didn’t expect you to stick around afterwards. I mean, I know we live together, but I…God, I dunno. Some people just take it weird, and you didn’t.”

Jim was clearly uncomfortable, and Leonard wasn’t 100% convinced that he was telling the truth. Not the whole truth, anyway. Hadn’t Leonard spoken to him about things that were clearly hurting him? Why would he have abandoned Jim, especially when Jim hadn’t done the same? He decided to give Jim the benefit of the doubt and drop it for now.

“Well, thank you for your honesty. But next time, talk to me, alright? I don’t like bein' left in the dark,” Leonard told him, taking the bait, and relief washed over Jim’s face.

“Yeah, okay. Sorry,” he said sheepishly, and Leonard shook his head with a small smile.

Jim finished his drink, setting the glass down to hold out his hand to Leonard.

“It’s not long now. C’mon, let’s dance.”

Leonard shook his head. “Jim, I’m really not much of a dancer-” he started to say, but Jim wasn’t taking no for an answer, grabbing his hand and pulling him back into the crowd. He managed to finish his drink and set the glass down on the nearest surface as he went – always Mr. Sensible. He had no idea what to do with himself, it was too warm, too many bodies in such a small space, and he couldn’t take his eyes off Jim. For someone clumsy enough to trip over their shadow if it were possible, Jim was damn near graceful in the way he moved, hips swaying in time to the music, shirt lifting to reveal a little skin every time he raised his arms. Occasionally Jim would move back for a moment, his back pressed against Leonard’s front, and he honestly couldn’t lie to himself, it was taking everything Leonard had not to reach out and pull Jim against him. He couldn’t realistically blame the drink for that, he’d only had the one, but he sure as hell was going to anyway.

Jim turned around, keeping Leonard’s gaze as he moved. The room seemed to be getting more crowded, and Leonard was having a hard time keeping a safe distance from Jim. From the looks of it, Leonard couldn’t say that Jim exactly minded.

 _‘It’s the drink,’_ he kept telling himself, repeating it over and over in his head, barely noticing that Jim was mouthing something at him. He dragged himself back into reality and quickly realised that everyone was shouting in unison. The countdown had started.

_“6!”_

Leonard wasn’t sure what to do. What was going to happen when it hit zero? Was he-

_“5!”_

Were they supposed to- Shit, were they gonna-

“ _4!”_

Leonard could feel himself sweating now.

_“3!”_

This was ridiculous-

_“2!”_

Here it came-

_“1!”_

_‘Oh, fuck it-“_

Leonard honestly couldn’t tell who had grabbed who first, as he was very much aware of Jim’s arms sliding around his neck as Leonard pulled him forward. The kiss was nothing like the first chaste kiss they’d shared, this was messy and warm and _desperate._ Leonard was vaguely aware of cheering and shouts of “Happy New Year!” around them, but all he cared about right now was Jim.

Jim finally pulled back, mouth open as he tried to catch his breath. Leonard didn’t say anything, his next move entirely dependent on Jim’s reaction. He felt relief wash over him as Jim’s face broke into a grin.

“Happy New Year, Bones,” Jim said in his ear, arms still around his neck.

Leonard knew that they’d have to deal with all of this in the morning, it was inevitable, but for now, he just let Jim hold on to him as the drunken singing of Auld Lang Syne washed over them both.


	13. Chapter 13

“…Jim..?”

Leonard woke to the sound of Jim snoring – he was almost certain the people across the hall could hear it and would be over to complain any minute now. He sat up without fear of a hangover kicking in, probably the first new year he’d went into sober in a long time. He’d been running on adrenaline and nerves for the best part of last night that he hadn’t even thought of another drink past the first. Jim, however, was a whole other story. He was already fairly drunk when Leonard had met him, and it was all downhill from there. He’d wanted to talk to him after their- Fuck, they kissed. Of course Leonard could remember, but it suddenly came back to him in high definition. He’d wanted to talk to Jim about it, and then he was being pulled off to do shots. Leonard hadn’t been able to find him until the end of the night, when he was having to practically carry him home, and Jim was beyond talking by this point. Comprehensibly, at least. All he could do was put him to bed, and hope to God the adrenaline would wear out eventually so he could go to sleep too. He remembered wishing Christine and Gaila a happy new year before he left, but he hadn’t said anything else. He barely knew anything himself, and he was the one wrapped up in this whole thing.

“Jim…?” he called softly, but Jim was dead to the world, sprawled out on his front and snoring fit to burst. He knew he should let him sleep, but now that he was awake, that nervous feeling had kicked in again, and he needed to talk about this, get an answer, get it over with already.

“Jim?” he tried again, as if expecting an answer. He sighed and got up, shaking Jim’s shoulder gently. Jim mumbled something incomprehensible and picked up snoring again.

Leonard looked around for another idea, and his eyes fell on the radio. He switched it on.

_“-are actively trying to avoid, but we are finding ourselves backed into a corner, and lives are quite possibly at stake at this point. The next few days will be critical in our-“_

_‘This again?’_ Leonard thought to himself, distracted when Jim started to stir.

“…s, what time ‘s it…?” he mumbled in a sleepy daze, and Leonard made a show of turning the radio down hastily.

“God, Jim, did I wake you? Sorry, I didn’t realise the radio would be so loud,” he lied, forcing a sheepish expression onto his face.

Jim just looked at him like he was speaking Andorian. He managed a small sleepy smile, and Leonard felt his heart stutter like a goddamn teenager.

“Last night was fun,” he said groggily, trying to sit up and groaning as a wave of nausea washed over him.

“Yeah, yeah it was,” Leonard agreed, a little too hastily and far too casually, “Hey, listen...”

“God, I hope I didn’t make too much of an ass of myself. I was completely wasted.” Jim laughed to himself. “Did you have a good time last night?”

Jim looked at him innocently and Leonard had the most intense urge to hit him – _he doesn’t remember._

“Yeah, I had a good time. And you were fine, when you were with me, at least,” Leonard told him, putting emphasis on the latter part, hoping Jim would remember something. Christ, anything.

Jim just nodded. “That’s good. God, my head.”

 _‘Good. I hope it’s killin’ you.’_ Leonard felt like a moody teenager, but he couldn’t care less right now.

“How are you feeling?”

Leonard knew all he meant was whether or not he had a hangover. “Just peachy, Jim.”

\-----

“You _kissed_ him?”

Leonard rolled his eyes. Christine was looking at him with wide eyes, leaning over the table as if she was afraid of missing any small detail, like a thirteen year old at a sleepover.

“It was more of a mutual thing, actually. And would you stop staring at me like that? You’re freakin’ me out.”

Christine sat back a little, taking a sip of her coffee. “So what happens now? Did you two talk?”

“No. He can’t remember a thing, he was too drunk.” Leonard stirred his coffee idly, watching the little whirlpools it created. He didn’t want to see the sympathetic look Christine was clearly giving him right now.

“You like him, don’t you?”

Leonard was putting an end to this sleepover bullshit right now. “Look, we’re adults, and I’m not here for that. I’m here to learn,” he said in such an over-the-top, matter-of-fact tone that Christine couldn’t stop the yelp of laughter rising in her throat before it was too late. She tried to pass it off as a cough, but Leonard was glaring daggers at her.

“Sorry,” she murmured, trying to look serious.

Leonard sat back in his chair, clearly frustrated. “I just- I don’t even know what’s goin’ on. I like him, he’s a good friend, but I don’t want- I don’t want to let myself become vulnerable around him and for it all to go to shit.”

“But you already have let yourself be vulnerable,” Christine reminded him, “And you told me he did the same.”

Leonard nodded. God, he hated how she did that – turned everything around so it made sense and he looked like an overreacting idiot all at once. He took the bait.

“Alright, so what do I do?”

“You’ve just go to wait for the right time, the answer will come to you.”

Leonard raised an eyebrow. “ _That’s_ your advice? Christine, do me a favour and stick to nursing. Counselling is not your strong suit.”

Christine rolled her eyes, but she smiled. “You should be grateful I’m not charging you.”


	14. Chapter 14

The atmosphere at the Academy became increasingly tense over the next few days. The occasional news reports were now becoming more and more frequent, and Jim was almost glued to the radio every chance that presented itself, transfixed. Leonard really didn’t like the look Jim got when he was listening to the news – like an excited child waiting to get on a roller coaster.

“This is incredible,” he said finally after ten minutes of only the radio as it cut to a commercial break, staring at the machine as if it were broadcasting everything in full colour in front of him. Leonard looked at him like he had three heads.

“I wouldn’t exactly call hostages and the possibility of all-out war incredible,” he said with a scoff. Sometimes Jim was as bad as Gaila in his utter lack of tact.

Jim shook his head. “I don’t mean it like that, you know I don’t. It’s just, what’s going to happen next?”

“It’s not a radio drama, Jim, this is real life, and if anything does come of this, it ain’t gonna be pretty.”  

Jim turned his eyes back to the radio, as if if he stared at it for long enough, it would tell him everything. “Yeah,” he said in a glazed tone, not really listening to Leonard anymore.

“Listen to me, I don’t want you gettin’ any ideas.” Leonard’s tone was deadly serious. He had spent enough time with Jim by now to know how he worked.

Jim waved a hand dismissively. “C'mon, Bones, as if I could do anything. You worry too much. Shh, it’s starting again.”

_"-received a report of what appears to be an armed vessel in the vicinity of Starfleet Outpost 8. Reports are inferring that this vessel may be a Romulan Bird-of-Prey, and as such is in direct violation of the Neutral Zone Treaty. The crew of the vessel has yet to be identified, but are suspected to be involved in the disappearance of Ambassador Azh'en. Starfleet has yet to release an official statement. We will keep you updated as events progress."_

Jim looked at Leonard, somehow even more excited than he was before. Alarm bells were going off in Leonard's head already.

_‘How do I know this won’t end well already and it hasn’t even started?’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this...plot? I know, this is a super short chapter, but it's a necessary one for where the story is progressing. Also, I just want to say a massive thank you to all of you reading and for your patience this past week. I've just started college again and am trying to get back into a routine. I'll do my best to continue to update regularly - I already know where this story is headed and have written a lot of future scenes and ideas, so it hopefully won't be too difficult for me to update from here.


	15. Chapter 15

Leonard had quickly fallen into a routine of ignoring what was going on around him as long as he stayed away from anything capable of broadcast or Jim. The latter was proving a little more difficult since he lived with him, but much more beneficial to his overall wellbeing when he could manage it – neither of them had spoken about what had happened on New Year’s Eve, and since Jim couldn’t seem to remember what had happened, Leonard wasn’t keen on bringing it up for fear of looking like as much of an idiot as he felt. His method of dealing with everything was to shove it down as far as possible in the hopes that it would just disappear. He knew all too well that that wasn’t exactly the healthiest coping mechanism, but it was working for now and that was good enough.

Of course this was proven completely redundant when the situation escalated to the point that Starfleet had called a mandatory gathering of all cadets and personnel who had remained on campus or returned earlier than scheduled, as the holidays were now drawing to a close.

Commodore Brooke stood stiffly behind the podium at the front of the room as everyone filed into seats. Behind her sat a number of high-ranking officers, murmuring concernedly amongst themselves. Brooke was a stoic woman who rarely showed emotion, but she looked tired, worry lines creasing her forehead.

“As you are all aware, Ambassador Azh’en has been reported missing for a considerable amount of time now,” she announced to the room, “We still have very little information about who or what we’re dealing with, but the transmissions that we have been receiving from this renegade group have been confirmed to be coming from the Romulan Bird-of-Prey that is fast approaching us from the Neutral Zone. We cannot confirm if the crew of this vessel is in fact Romulan, but if so, to breach the Neutral Zone is in violation of the Earth-Romulan War Treaty.”

She paused, as if to compose herself. Leonard was trying his best to pay attention, finding himself distracted by Jim sitting next to him, who was paying far more attention than what seemed normal, leaning forward in his seat with an expression on his face that had Leonard worried. It was the same one he’d had during the last radio broadcast, it wasn’t fear or worry like many of the others around them – it was _excitement_. Jim seemed honest to God excited about the situation and the thought alone made Leonard feel sick to his stomach.

“Up until now, we have had little reason to be concerned with an attack, as Starfleet is more than capable of handling one enemy vessel, and we have been reluctant to preemptively strike as we have reason to believe that Ambassador Azh’en is alive. They need him alive in order to prevent us from attacking, as they know that the safety of our own is priority. However, yesterday we received a report that Outpost 7 has been attacked. Thankfully no one was seriously hurt, but this group have made their intentions clear. We believe that this group, whoever they are, are trying to goad us into a war.”

The room immediately erupted into worried murmurs. If Jim leaned any further forward, he was going to fall out of his seat.

Commodore Brooke raised a hand and the whispering hushed. “We haven’t made a final decision as of yet, but due to the escalation of events, we are unable to continue avoiding this matter involving you. Many of you have only begun your time in Starfleet and I wish that I was not having to deliver this news to you. But you knew the risks when enlisting, and I need all of you to be ready to take action when, rather than if, the time comes. Until then, you are to return to your duties as normal. Dismissed.”

The word was barely out of the Commodore’s mouth before Jim was off amongst the dispersing crowd, Leonard almost tripping over himself to keep up with him.

“Don’t even think about it,” Leonard said as soon as he caught with him.

Jim looked at him, surprised. “I haven’t even said anything yet,” Jim retorted, already on the defence.

“Yeah, “yet”. I know you, Jim, you’re spontaneous and reckless, and I’m puttin’ an end to it now.”

“What are you gonna do, lock me in our room?”

“If that’s what it takes to get you to behave yourself, then yeah, I damn well will.”

“I love it when you take charge like that,” Jim said in a mock-seductive tone, winking at him.

Leonard almost choked on his tongue, and Jim laughed as he picked up his pace. “I’m kidding. Would you relax?”

_‘For Christ’s sake, let me.’_

“I don’t have time to save the world right now, Bones, I’ve got an unbeatable test to beat.” Jim was talking over his shoulder by this point, and Leonard was too tired to chase after him.

“You can’t beat the unbeatable, you moron, that’s the whole point!” he yelled after him, ignoring the stares he was attracting. Jim just waved a hand in reply.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so very sorry to anyone who was genuinely invested in this fic that it has taken me this long to update. Life has been very hectic since my last update and it was unavoidable that this story was shelved. But today is my birthday and I've decided to take some time to write. I hope everything makes sense up until now, and ideally I'd like to continue and finish this fic for good soon, before uni starts taking up all of my time. Thank you very much for understanding, and as always thank you for reading!


	16. Chapter 16

“You didn’t beat the test, dammit, you cheated.” The pair were holed up in the booth at the Academy bar they had found themselves in the last time Jim had attempted the Kobayashi Maru. It was becoming something of a frequent routine, and a true testament to Jim’s stubbornness. For once, Leonard couldn’t complain too much. Anything was better than staying in the dorms – with the sudden revelations of recent events, the tension at the Academy could strangle a man. The clash of incomprehensible conversation and music was a much welcome relief. "How you haven't been suspended is beyond me." Leonard figured the Academy had more important things on their minds at the moment.

“Did I or did I not save the Kobayashi Maru?” Jim countered as if Leonard had not spoken.

“Yes, but-”

“And did I or did I not avoid all-out war with the Klingons?”

“The whole point of the test is to see how you react under that amount of pressure when certain death is the answer either way,” Leonard said, exasperated. It was honestly like talking to a brick wall.

“Why can’t I do both?” Jim asked, taking a swig of his drink. “In fact, I _did_ do both.”

Leonard wanted to smack that smug smile right off Jim’s face. He was glad that he’d been distracted from the radio announcements for more than five minutes, but it didn’t make his cockiness any more bearable.

“You need to take this seriously if you really want to become Captain,” he said calmly, albeit through gritted teeth, finishing his drink with a grimace.

Jim reached out to take the empty glass from Leonard’s hand before he had even set it down. Leonard flinched at Jim’s touch. He seemed awfully close all of a sudden, and his hand was still over Leonard’s.

“I’ll get us some more drinks, okay?” he said as he got up, as if nothing had happened.

 _‘Nothing did happen,’_ Leonard reprimanded himself.

“You’re not gettin’ out of this conversation, Jim – you damn well know I’m right.”

Jim was already out of earshot.

_‘Convenient.’_

Leonard watched Jim as he disappeared amongst the crowd, barely noticing his fingers tracing where Jim’s hand had touched his. He quickly pulled his hands apart, resting them on his knees.

 _‘What is the matter with you?’_ he scolded himself. _‘You’re actin’ like a goddamn teenager. And for what?_ _What do you hope to gain from all this? You’re been through all this shit before, and look how it turned out. You’re not goin’ through it again. It’s not worth it.’_

Leonard shook his head, as if it would make the thoughts fall out of his ears. Jim wasn’t back yet, and he was finding himself getting restless. Eager to shut the voice in his head up for five minutes, Leonard left the booth and made his way into the noise of the crowd, eventually finding Jim standing at the bar with Christine and Gaila.

“Forgot about me, did you?” he asked. He meant it in a joking manner, but was surprised at how bitter it came out.

Jim didn’t seem to notice. He didn’t seem to notice a lot, Leonard thought.

“Bones, how could I possibly leave two beautiful women such as these on their own?” Jim retorted with a wink.

Gaila giggled, cheeks flushed dark green. Christine rolled her eyes, but not without a smile.

“Don’t worry, I didn’t forget your drink.” Jim handed a glass to Leonard. “We should head back to our table, though I doubt it’s still empty-“

“Well, look who it is.”

Jim turned around, Leonard looking over his shoulder, immediately on the defensive. It was the same cadet who’d thrown his drink around Jim the last time they’d met, this time with a couple of his lackeys.

_‘Has this guy nothin’ better to do with his time?’_

Jim smiled invitingly. “Gentlemen, to what do I owe the pleasure?” He sounded pleasant, but anyone could see it was forced.

“Heard about your little stunt with the Kobayashi Maru earlier. It isn’t bad enough that you come in here off the streets and have everything just handed to you because you’re Pike’s golden boy? Now you’re rubbing it in everyone’s faces, people like us who’ve got to work for everything? I don’t think that’s very fair.”

 _‘God, this guy is really holding a grudge.’_ Leonard’s eyes flickered between the cadet and Jim, holding his breath. Jim said nothing, but the cadet pressed on.

“Everyone knows how you really got into the Academy, Kirk. Got a free ride on your family name. You’re a loser from the sticks with a criminal record. Maybe they were hoping for another George Kirk. Fat chance of anything remotely heroic completely from the likes of you.”

“Alright, you’ve had your fun,” Christine interrupted with what little politeness she could muster, “but why don’t you take it elsewhere, hm?”

He turned to Christine with a patronising look. “Look, sweetheart, why don’t you let the _men_ here finish their discussion?” He turned back to Jim with a sneer. “Well, at least one of us is a-“

He barely had the sentence started when Christine swung back and punched him in the face. He reeled back, losing his balance and falling to the ground. Christine rubbed her knuckles with a grimace.

“Take a hint, _sweetheart_ ,” she spat, “You’re not welcome here.”

He jumped to his feet, about to swing back, when Leonard got there first, pushing him back before he had a chance to throw a punch.

“Hey! Either break it up or take it outside, fellas.”

Christine smiled apologetically to the bartender. “It’s okay, he was just leaving.” She turned back to him, her face turning sour. “Weren’t you?”

He glared at Christine, palm pressed against his nose to stop the little trickle of blood. “You aren’t half the man George Kirk was, and you never will be,” he said, spitting at Jim’s feet before he left.

Leonard grabbed Christine’s wrist to stop her from taking another swing, more to distract himself than anything. He knew she’d have a harder time stopping him than he would her once he got started.

Gaila laid a hand gently on Jim’s forearm, eyebrows knitted together in concern. “Are you alright?”

Jim hadn’t moved, still staring in front of him as if he were totally unaware of the world around him.

“Jim?”

Leonard waved his hand in front of Jim's face and he flinched, suddenly coming back into reality.

“Huh? Yeah, yeah, I’m alright,” he said offhandedly, smile a little too bright, “It’s nothing I haven’t heard before. No big deal.”

Leonard was unconvinced. Jim sounded fine, but he sure didn’t look it, staring at the glass in his hand as if it contained all of the world’s secrets. He wasn’t handling this the way he normally did. No, this one had hit too close to home.

“Don’t worry about me,” Jim said, with that same too big smile, turning to find an empty table. None of them mentioned it for the rest of the night, and after a while it was as if it had never happened. Jim said he was fine. So why could Leonard not stop the pit of worry churning in his stomach?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this chapter reads well and makes sense. I feel as if this fic might be a bit rushed and a little jumpy, but this is the longest fic I've ever worked on, and writing so much in one story is something I'm not quite used to yet. So thank you very much to everyone who has read, gave kudos and commented so far, I really appreciate it. It's what keeps me writing. And thank you for the lovely influx of kudos on the latest update, despite my long absence. We're getting closer to the end!


	17. Chapter 17

Leonard had seen very little of Jim since the incident at the bar. He’d stay out most of the day, going only God knows where, coming back after Leonard had fallen asleep, and gone before he woke up. It was as if he was living with a ghost. There had been no new updates on the renegade group from Starfleet, just the usual radio report, and the campus was filled with an uneasy, quiet dread. On top of that, Leonard couldn’t shake the feeling that Jim was up to something, and whatever it was, knowing Jim, he knew it couldn’t be good.

This evening, however, Jim arrived back early. He smiled and quietly greeted Leonard, setting what he was holding down on his bed before disappearing into the bathroom. Leonard pretended to concentrate on the PADD in his hands, sneaking quick glances at whatever it was Jim had brought in with him.

A mixture of curiosity and worry finally got the better of him and he got up to investigate. It was a birthday card.

The bathroom door opened, and Leonard almost jumped out of his skin, throwing himself on his bed and pretending to be engrossed in his PADD, which he quickly noticed was upside down. He hoped to God Jim wouldn’t notice.

“It’s rude to look at other people’s mail, you know,” Jim told him, but he didn’t seem very bothered by it.

Leonard smiled sheepishly. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.”

Jim shrugged as if to say no harm done. Leonard watched him, not sure as to what to say.

“You didn’t mention that it was your birthday today,” he said finally, setting the PADD aside. He had mentioned that it was sometime after Christmas, but not the day.

Jim shook his head. “Oh no, it was a few days ago, this is just late.” He gestured to the card. “My mom’s always been old-fashioned like that. Besides she gets a little weird on the actual day because…well, y’know.”

Jim smiled awkwardly, looking back at the card in his hand.

Leonard could have kicked himself. Of course Jim wasn’t going to mention his birthday. Celebrating your birthday on the same day your father died? It couldn’t have been easy for him. Growing up with a mother who probably spent the entire day with a smile too wide and tears in her eyes, and little Jim never understanding why. He knew a little, but Leonard could only imagine just how hard it had been for him.

“Is that why you’ve been actin’ so weird lately?” he asked, immediately wanting to shove the words back into his mouth. _‘Why don’t you just punch him in the face, Mr. Tact?’_

Jim looked confused. “What are you talking about? I’ve been fine.”

Leonard raised an eyebrow, and Jim relented with a sigh.

“Alright, maybe I’m not as good an actor as I thought. My birthday’s never been an easy time for me. And I guess...Well, I guess there’s only so many times I can hear how much of a god awful waste of my dad’s DNA I am before it starts getting to me. Normally I can just brush it aside, but I don’t have the emotional strength this time of year.” Jim’s words sounded sincere, but they were rushed, as if he just wanted his conversation over with already.

Leonard thought about the incident in the bar a few nights ago. It couldn’t have been easy to take that disgusting verbal attack any other time of the year, let alone so close to his birthday. God, it could have been Jim’s birthday that night, Leonard thought to himself. Jim didn’t seem keen on telling him, and Leonard didn’t feel that it was his place to pry.

“You know what he said was bullshit, right? You don’t have anything to prove, but your father would be proud of how much you’ve accomplished already, just getting here. If he- If he could see you now.”

Leonard trailed off. They'd had this conversation before, but it was different sober. Jim didn’t look as if he was still on this planet anymore.

Leonard could almost hear the words pounding in his head, beating in time to some invisible metronome.

_“You aren’t half the man George Kirk was.”_

_“You aren’t half the man”_

_You._

_Aren’t._

_Half._

“I know,” he answered, tone flat. He sounded like an answering machine, automatic, pre-recorded. _Sorry, Jim’s not here right now, please leave a message after the tone._

“Jim-“

“Think I’m gonna go out for a bit, I’ll see you later,” Jim interrupted, shoving the card in the pocket of his jacket before he left.

Leonard didn’t say anything, just let him go. He didn’t want to upset him any more than he clearly already was.

"Just don't do anything stupid," he murmured. He wasn't sure if he was telling Jim this or trying to reassure himself. Both, probably.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for a sort of filler chapter, but I've spent so long on this fic and I don't want to rush it. Juggling plot and character development is not as easy as a lot of the amazing writers on this site make it look, so please be patient with me. Thank you as always for the kudos and positive comments, they are greatly appreciated! Hopefully I'll have more updates soon!


	18. Chapter 18

If Leonard had thought Jim absent before, it was like living with a ghost now. He barely came back to their room, had gone missing from classes. By the third day, Leonard was beginning to wonder if he'd made Jim up. When he finally came back to the dorm one evening, Leonard couldn't help but say something.

"Where have you been?" he asked, not even bothering to sound casual about it. They may have only been friends, but Leonard couldn't help but worry about Jim.

"I've been busy," Jim replied breezily, rooting around under his bed for something.

"I've barely seen you in days." Leonard was not dropping this without a fight.

"Yeah, been real busy." Jim found what he was looking for, stuffed it into his backpack and headed for the door.

"Jim-" Leonard started, but he was already gone. He flopped down on his bed in frustration.

"Lord, please give me the strength not to kill him," he said to the empty room, hoping as he always did for a reply. The room was silent.

\-----

Leonard was on a beach. It was pitch black, sometime in the twilight hours. The tide was in, lapping back and forth across the sand. Back and forth, back and forth, making soft shushing sounds. In the far distance he could hear a fog horn.

The tide began to recede.

The sand giving way to nothing.

The fog horn growing louder and louder.

Until it was screaming.

_Wake up wake up WAKE UP_

Leonard awoke with a start to the muffled scream of sirens from the hallway and the pounding of feet. An announcement was playing on repeat from the PA system.

“-authorised personnel are to report to the shuttle bay immediately. All other alumni must remain in their rooms until further notice. Attention. Unauthorised Romulan Bird-of-Prey been spotted approaching Starfleet. All attempts at contact have been ignored. We are now on Red Alert. All authorised personnel are to-"

Leonard immediately looked over to Jim’s bed. It was empty.

“Jim-“ Leonard bolted out of bed, tearing out of his room and down the corridor, hoping against hope he'd make it to the shuttle bay on time.

Jim was just stepping onto the shuttlecraft when Leonard arrived. He had a stitch that was threatening to tear his side in half, but he pressed on like a man possessed.

“Jim-  _Jim-_ “

He turned around, flashing Leonard a smile as if everything that was happening was completely normal.

“Are you outta your head?” Leonard was practically roaring, and people were staring. He didn’t care, didn’t even notice. “You can’t just-“

“Bones, I have to do this.” Jim, by comparison, was so calm and serene, like the sea in Leonard’s dream before it all turned to shit. Like it was now.

“Will you drop this goddamn bravado act? I knew you were gonna do somethin’ stupid, but Christ, Jim, you don’t have to prove anyth-“

People were trying to make their way around Leonard, who by this point was gripping the railings of the shufflecraft steps for dear life.

“Sir,” a security officer piped in, “You’re creating a blockade, if you could-“

Leonard swatted his hand in the officer’s direction, as if he were a fly. “Give me a damn minute. Jim, it doesn’t matter, you’re not  _him_ -“

Jim was smiling that disturbingly placid smile again. “I’ll see you when I get back, Bones.”

“This isn’t the Kobayashi Maru, you can’t just cheat death-“

Two security officers pulled Leonard down from the steps and Leonard watched as Jim took his seat, before the doors slid shut.

“Get offa me- Jim- JIM-“

Leonard whirled around to the men desperately trying to restrain him. “You gotta let me on that shuttlecraft-“

“Sir, unless you have your identification, I can’t-“

“Leonard McCoy, look me up, I’m a doctor, let me on th-“

“Sir, there’s no time, if you don’t have your I.D, I’m going have to ask you to leave the hangar deck. Otherwise you'll be escorted off the premises,” one of the officers insisted firmly.

Leonard sighed tiredly, knowing that there was no way he was winning this fight. He forced himself to swallow the rage bubbling up inside of him.

“Fine,” he managed finally, ignoring the gaping stares. He knew no good could come from getting himself hauled off for disciplinary action. He clutched one hand in the other, trying to stop his shaking as he left the shuttle bay.

“You better come back alive, you son of a bitch," he muttered to himself, a lump rising in his throat, "so I can tear you a new one for what you’re puttin’ me through.”


	19. Chapter 19

There was no way Jim was authorised to be on that shuttlecraft. He was still a cadet. Sneaky bastard must have forged an ID. How the hell he got away with it with a face as recognisable as his was beyond Leonard. Not to mention a mouth as big as his, he was in trouble with someone every other day. Leonard chalked it down to another one of the many things Jim had been keeping him in the dark about.

“What do you mean, Jim’s up there?” Christine asked incredulously. “He’s just a cadet, I thought only ranked officers had been assigned to this.”

Leonard didn’t think he could be alone right now, after everything that had just happened. He was sitting with Christine and Gaila in their room, filling them in on everything. Christine looked understandably shocked and upset – the right mix of emotions for a situation like this, but Gaila…Maybe he wasn’t in the right frame of mind to judge, but she looked uncomfortable. Not like Christine, like she knew something. He tried to put it out of his mind, chalking it up to nerves. 

 **“** Damn idiot went and got himself an ID forged to get by security. Shoulda known he’d do something stupid like this.”

“Surely you can let one of the senior officers know, try and get him brought back?”

“I dunno what name he’s under. Even if I tried lookin’ him up, I wouldn’t know where to start.”

Leonard noticed that was the third time Gaila had cleared her throat and said nothing. He looked at her. If he didn’t know any better, he’d say she looked guilty. Definitely like she knew something he didn’t.

“You alright, Gaila?” he asked casually, feigning concern.

Gaila looked up at him, like a rabbit caught in headlights. “Me? Fine, why?” she answered far too quickly for Leonard’s liking.

“Sounds like you’ve got a bit of a cough, and you look very flushed. You feelin’ alright?”

Christine looked at her. “You do look a lot greener than normal, honey. Is everything okay?”

Gaila was squirming now. “Yeah, it’s just- Y’know, the whole situation, it’s so horrible. I’m worried about Jim.”

Leonard mirrored Christine’s look of empathy. _‘Yeah, I’m sure you are.’_

“Is that the time? I’m so sorry, I gotta run. Gotta get back to the lab, they’re probably wondering where I’ve disappeared to.”

“You know, I could do with a bit of a walk, clear my head after all this, why don’t I walk with you?” Leonard asked with a smile.

Gaila forced a smile on her face, but Leonard saw the split second glare she’d shot him.

“Sure, sounds good,” she lied, determined not to start a scene in front of Christine.

“You sure you’ll be alright?” Christine asked as Leonard got up.

“Nothin’ really I can do about it, is there? Just gotta hope the idiot comes back in one piece. Some fresh air might help think of something. Thanks, Christine.”

Christine just gave him an empathetic smile as they left.

“I know you know something about Jim,” Leonard said under his breath as soon as the door closed.

Gaila’s eyes widened. “What- How dare you accuse me of-”

Leonard raised an eyebrow, and she relented.

“Okay, fine, it was me that forged his ID. But he didn’t tell me it was for this.”

“And just what the hell did you think he was gonna use it for?”

“I don’t know, but not this! Leonard, trust me, if I’d known-”

“Yeah, yeah, it’s a bit late for that now. I need to know his details, that way I can get him reprimanded and sent back down here. I won’t tell anyone it was you, it’s bad enough the trouble he’s in.”

Gaila chewed her lip, conflicted.

“Look, I know you don’t want to get him in trouble, but wouldn’t you rather be at his disciplinary hearin' than his funeral?”

“Okay, okay, fine. Come with me.”

Leonard followed Gaila to her work area, where she made quick work of finding Jim on the system.

“There he is, Sam J. Kerik.”

Leonard scowled. Of course it was an anagram. He was going to kill Jim. If he made it back alive at all.

_‘Christ, man, one thing at a time.’_

“I’m gonna talk to Brooke, see if she can do something,” Leonard said, heading for the door, “Oh, and next time Jim wants something from you, just tell him no. Idiot’s out to get himself killed.”

Gaila didn’t reply, but the worried look on her face said exactly what was on both of their minds.

_‘If he wasn’t already dead.’_

\--

Leonard was determined to get himself on the next shuttle. Aviophobia or no, he was going to make sure he was the one responsible for dragging Jim’s ass home in one piece.

He knocked on the door of Commodore Brooke’s office, not even waiting for a response before entering.

“Can I-”

“I need on the next shuttlecraft up there.”

Brooke just looked at him with exasperation. “Excuse me?”

“Lives are in danger up there, and I may be a cadet, but I have more than enough medical expertise to qualify me. Besides,” Leonard paused, about to pull his trump card, “you have an unauthorised officer up there.”

Commodore Brooke peered at him over her glasses. “There are no unauthorised officers up there, cadet, I can assure you of that,” she said in a tone that suggested she’s wasn’t pleased with Leonard’s sudden outburst. “Do you think we would send anyone but our best to deal with this situation?”

“James Kirk is missing, and I know he’s on one of the shuttles up there because I watched him board one myself. He had an ID card forged, under the name Sam K. Jerik. Look him up, he’ll be there.”

Brooke raised an eyebrow, but said nothing, looking through the list of registered officers. She tapped the name when it appeared, and sure enough, there was Jim’s photo next to it. She took her glasses off with a sigh and looked at Leonard.

“I don’t appreciate your barging in here, cadet, but I understand that you’re worried about your friend. What I am about to tell you does not leave this room. There is enough panic out there without causing more. As it is, the situation has gotten far too dangerous up there for us to risk sending anyone else. I’m beginning to think that it was a fool’s errand to send anyone at all, ambassador or no.” The commodore stopped for a moment, as if to compose herself. “There is nothing that I can do to help you until we reach a resolution.”

“And what resolution might that be? That everyone up there be blown to bits? Doesn’t seem like much of a resolution to me.” Leonard was trying to keep his tone conversational, but he’d never been the best at keeping his temper under control, especially not when lives were at stake.

“I know how you feel, but it’s out of my hands. I’m sorry.”

Leonard said nothing, just gave her a grim smile and left.

_‘It may be out of your hands, but it sure as hell isn’t out of mine.’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the lack of updates on this fic, and I sincerely hope this chapter makes sense in context. I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out how to finish this (and honestly I still don't know, but I'm doing my best!). Thank you for your patience, I'll update as soon as I can.


End file.
